There is so many things I could talk about, how I started back to work and it is going awesome, how my little girl is getting so darn big, how awesome my son is, but today was a tough day and I need to vent.
I took my mom to get her CT scan results today. We both had a bad feeling going into the appointment. I was worried with the horrible upper back pain she has been having that the cancer was now in her bones. But, the doctor never mentioned anything about the cancer spreading so that was good. However, the tumor in her lung has doubled in size since her last CT scan in April. So it has grown from 3cm to 6cm's in less then three months. This means the cancer is no longer in remission.
The doc gave her two options. He said he was in a hard place because he could not recommend a high dose chemo due to my mom having such a bad reaction to it. So option one is to provide a low dosage chemo. This will not shrink the tumor but hopefully slow it down. Option two was palliative care which means letting the cancer take it's course and they will provide her with drugs to keep her comfortable as well as emotional support. I was not looking forward to this day because my mom has been firm in not doing any more chemo. I can't blame her, she had such a horrible previous experience. But, to my surprise this old lady still has some fight left in her and has decided to go ahead with the treatments. Her exact words were "Well, I really don't have anything else going on in my day". Lol.
I am so proud of my mom that she wants to continue to fight. The doctor did say if it gets to be so much she can stop at any time, so I think there is comfort in that.
I tried to stay strong and not cry. I had to wheel her to go get an x-ray, so while she was getting that done I had a quick cry. Of course, at that moment one of Mark's friends girlfriends came around the corner. I felt so stupid, I was a sobbing mess, but whatever she understood.
While we were waiting to see the doctor, there was a little girl around eight with a pic line in. My mom said that it really bothers her to see kids with cancer. At least she has lived her life. My mom said she has even seen a two month old with cancer in the clinic. Anyway, the little girl went in to get treatment. When she came out she was so proud to show off the stickers she got to her brother. Then she said, "I didn't forget about you brother, I got you a chocolate bar". It just touched my heart that this little girl is going through cancer and she still thought about her brother.
This afternoon I talked to my dad who earlier this week had 2 liters of fluid drained from in between his lung and ribs. He got a CT scan done as well. The doctor called him in today and they drained almost another two liters! His CT scan showed some abnormalities in some lymph nodes. They are going to wait for the results from the fluid but the doctor said it could be a virus or lymphoma and that he was leaning towards lymphoma. He will have to get a biopsy done to confirm this though. At least if it is cancer this type is quite treatable, so I am not freaking out.
So yes, this was a crappy day. As I sit her writing this, I am sipping on a big f*cking alcoholic beverage. And surprisingly, or not, I am starting to feel a bit better ;)